Tore Up (Mississippi Smoke Series Book 1)

The rest of the week fell into a routine. It gave me a false sense of security.

Waking up every morning to the enticing scent of Bane on my sheets was also becoming normal. The only thing that made sense was that my pregnant brain was somehow causing my subconscious to bring that smell up while I was asleep. So, when I first woke up, that was what I thought wafted in the air and on the sheets.

Most mornings, Bane had already left the house when I made it to the kitchen. Than was there though, and we talked while we ate, then left to go to the distillery. I answered the phones, went through the mail, and organized the files that were on the desk into the drawers.

Around one, Than would take me back to the house. We hadn’t gone back to the stables. I did want to see the horses again, but I didn’t want to overhear any sexual activities that Bane might be having.

The past two afternoons, I had been the only one at the house, so I’d taken advantage of the pool, swimming and then soaking up the warm sun. The exercise I knew was good for the baby and my body. Without my bike, I wasn’t getting cardio daily, like I once had.

Evenings were spent with whichever of the guys was home, eating dinner on the sofa in the great room. I normally excused myself early and went up to my room.

I’d almost finished reading the thick prenatal book Dr. Stella had given me. Among all my things, I only owned two other books. I had read them both already, but I was going to reread each one. It gave me something to do before going to bed. The guys were all nice to me, and no one made me feel as if I was unwanted, but I could tell they also weren’t sure what to say and do around me. Coming up here after dinner made me feel like I was giving them their space back.

Today was Saturday, and I already knew Than wasn’t going to the distillery. He’d said they would all probably be gone when I got up, but that Wilma would have breakfast waiting for me. I had decided last night that I’d take a book out to the pool. Deciding on which book was my evening activity. In the end, I’d chosen to take The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. I had found the copy I owned at a thrift store for fifty cents two years ago. It had kept me up all night the first time I read it.

When I walked into the kitchen, a tall woman with broad shoulders, short brown hair that stopped just below her ears, and a pair of wire-rimmed glasses perched on her long, narrow nose stood behind the counter, chopping vegetables. She lifted her chin, and her dark eyes met mine. Her piercing gaze caused me to pause.

“Hello, Halo,” she said with a wry quirk of her mouth. She set her knife down, then walked over to open the oven and took out a covered plate. “Please have a seat. I just need to add the berries to your protein waffles. Would you prefer orange juice or milk?”

I’d already assumed this was the elusive Wilma who kept the place spotless and prepared meals, yet was never seen.

“Milk, thank you, but I can get it,” I replied.

She set the plate down on the counter. “I am sure you can, but there is no need with me in here. Have a seat.” The no-nonsense way she spoke had me doing exactly what I had been told.

I looked at the stools where I normally sat at the bar, but I wasn’t sure she would want me that close to where she was working. I shifted my gaze to the large, empty table that I’d never seen used, then decided to take a spot where I always did. Pulling out a stool, I sat down.

“Have your meals been to your liking?” she asked me as she placed sliced strawberries around the plate.

“Yes, they’ve been wonderful. Thank you,” I assured her.

She picked up blueberries, then began to decorate the plate with those next. “Very good. I’ve followed the guidelines that your doctor gave to Mrs. Cash for your meals. For the less than appetizing options, I have done my best to adjust them so they are more enjoyable.”

I hadn’t known Grissele had gotten a diet plan from Dr. Stella. I shouldn’t be surprised though. Grissele was thorough.

She sprinkled walnuts over the top, then added a tablespoon of peanut butter before taking the plate and handing it to me. “There is no healthy option for a syrup. It could spike your blood sugar, but I used bananas in the batter and some monk fruit to sweeten the waffle itself.”

Having no idea what monk fruit was, I smiled brightly as I stared down at my meal. “This looks amazing.”

“I wouldn’t go that far, but hopefully, my adjustments make it appetizing,” she replied dryly.

I picked up the fork and knife she’d given me and began to cut off a piece. Wilma didn’t make small talk as she went about finishing her task of cutting vegetables. I ate in silence, enjoying my meal, wondering if perhaps I should be the one to make conversation.

I drank the last of my milk just as heavy footsteps entered the kitchen. Turning, I watched as Linc came inside the room.

His gaze went to Wilma, and he nodded. “Good morning, Wilma.”

“Morning, sir. Can I get you anything?”

“No thank you,” he replied, and his focus shifted to me. “When you are finished, I’d like to speak with you.”

The food I’d just enjoyed morphed into a rock, sitting in the pit of my stomach. I had managed to shut off all thoughts of the things he’d told me the last time he’d wanted to talk to me. Instead, I had started taking it one day at a time, focusing on my pregnancy and doing what all my prenatal book told me to do. But there was always the dark truth lurking on the outer edges. My family. Ares. What I’d learned and what I hadn’t because I ran from the room, unable to handle any more.

I was here because Crosby was dead. Forgetting the reasons and actions that had brought me here helped me get through this week. I knew by Linc’s solemn expression that he was about to bring it all back, front and center.

I used the napkin in my lap, then placed it on the plate. “I’m done,” I told him.

His eyes dropped to the counter, as if making sure I had eaten. “If you’ll come with me,” he said, lifting his gaze back to my face.

I glanced over at Wilma, who had moved on to a bowl and was mixing things, not looking at either one of us. “Thank you for my breakfast,” I told her.

She nodded her head once, but didn’t look my way or say a word.

Walking toward the door where Linc waited, I began to mentally prepare myself for whatever he had to tell me. Ares was probably dead. No one here had mentioned it or even brought him up, but if they knew where he was, then Bane hadn’t let him live long after that. It was a struggle for me. I wanted to cry for the brother of my childhood. The one person who cared about me. But what I’d heard on that phone call made my stomach turn and caused all those memories to become something sickening.

Would they tell Iris or Nick about his death? What would they do with the body? Leave it like they had with Ronnie and Nicco, for someone to find eventually?

These were things I fought against when I went to bed at night. I refused to think of them and thought about my son. What he would look like. Holding him the first time. Those were the images I went to sleep with, which I thought might be why I’d stopped having the nightmares. It might be the meds, but I was sure having happy thoughts as I drifted off helped.

I followed Linc out of the kitchen and down the hallway that led to the office I had been in before. Linc opened the door once we reached it and went inside. I did the same, hoping I didn’t end up running to the toilet again. I had to be strong enough to hear what he had to tell me. If I acted like none of it had happened, I was just delaying facing reality. One day, I would have to know.

My fear that the police would come for me over Ronnie’s and Nicco’s deaths had faded once I learned who and what the family was. They were used to dealing with that kind of thing, and I no longer stayed on edge, fearing that I was going to prison.

My eyes met Bane’s as he stood against the wall to my right with his arms crossed over his chest. Knowing he was here gave me an instant sense of support that it probably shouldn’t. My hormones were clearly confused. The cold greeting I received from him proved that my pregnancy brain was messed up. He shifted his focus back to the window as he took a drink from the glass in his hand. The fact that he was drinking whiskey before noon wasn’t a good sign.

Movement from the other side of the room caught my attention, and I realized Luther was also here. All I’d seen was Bane. Unfortunately, more and more lately, I’d seemed to be seeking him out, not thinking about it. I didn’t want to do it, but I just did. I also didn’t want my body reacting to seeing him, but, oh, it did. This week, it had been getting worse every day.

I started to ask if I should close the door when another man walked inside. I took a step back, startled. Unable to stop staring at the man, I barely blinked as his eyes locked with mine. He was older—close to Linc’s age, I would guess. His hair was darker, but there were gold highlights in it, making me think it had once been blond. The tanned skin, hard line of his mouth, and heavier facial hair than the other men weren’t what was holding me there. It was his eyes. They were Crosby’s eyes.

“Halo, this is Fender, Bane and Crosby’s father,” Linc said.

Fender Cash closed the door and moved his gaze to Linc as he walked past me. He didn’t speak, and I honestly wasn’t sure I could move. His son was dead. He blamed me. I understood that, but it didn’t make it easier to breathe. All the heaviness I’d managed to crawl out from under this week was back, and the weight was even worse than before.

“Come here, Halo.” Bane’s tone held a faint trace of sympathy.

But then when it came to Bane, I tended to make things up in my head that weren’t there because I wanted them to be. I looked over at him, and he had his hand on the back of one of the leather chairs.

“Sit down,” he told me in a firmer tone this time.

Each step I took felt like I was pulling chains that weighed a ton behind me. When I reached the chair, I slowly eased down onto it, knowing that the minute I was seated, things were going to be said that I didn’t want to hear. It was as if a storm was spinning in my head that wouldn’t slow down for me to make sense of it all.

“You’re pale,” Linc said. “Take a deep breath and let it out.”

I nodded and did as I had been told. It didn’t help.

Like last time, he sat on the edge of the desk in front of me. Luther was leaning by the window, looking out, while Bane was now behind me. His scent might be the only thing keeping me steady. If he knew that, he’d scowl at me or possibly grimace.

Fender sat down in the chair to the left of me and rested one of his ankles on the opposite knee.

Linc glanced at him. “Need a drink?”

Fender shook his head. “Not before noon. I’ll leave that to Bane.”

Linc released an amused chuckle.

Luther turned to look back at us and held up the glass in his hand. “Don’t judge,” he said with a smirk.

“Ares is dead,” Linc said without any ease into it or warning.

I’d known that. My chest didn’t constrict, nor did my eyes fill with tears. There was no sudden wave of emotion. I had already lost Ares. Whatever grief I might have felt with his death had come and gone before today. It felt as if a door had slammed on any connection I’d once had with him. Severing it, along with one with Nick, Iris, and even Carina. The only sorrow I felt now was for my little brothers. I ached because I doubted I’d ever see them again. I would miss them growing up. They were the only family I had left that I would grieve over.

I nodded my head once to acknowledge it.

Linc’s gaze flicked up to Bane, who was behind me, then back to me. “The recording you heard of the phone conversation, it came from Ares’s cell phone. He had a program on his phone that recorded every call on your sister’s phone and sent it to his phone. The moment a call went in or out of her phone, he was alerted and could listen to it.” He cleared his throat and reached for the iPad behind him.

Oh God. I didn’t want to listen to more.

“We’ve heard every call made between you and Crosby. If he’d used his cell, we would have known someone was recording his calls and tracked it down to Ares. But Crosby bought a cell phone just to call and text you. For several reasons that are easy to guess. The first being so that Saylor wouldn’t see it. She knew the passcode to his cell phone, and I am sure she looked at it often. But also to keep you hidden from the family until he was ready.”

He held the iPad in front of him, then tapped it.

“I took the test.” My voice sounded shaky and on the verge of tears as the recording played aloud.

“And I told you that whatever it says, I am not going anywhere. I love you, Halo.”

Crosby’s voice hurt to hear. I pressed a fist to my chest and dropped my gaze to my lap. I wished I had been able to tell him I loved him, but I hadn’t wanted to lie.

“It’s … it’s positive,” I said just above a whisper. “I just don’t know how. I … we … we always used a condom.”

He let out a sigh.

I closed my eyes. I could remember all the fear and uncertainty I’d felt, standing on the front porch, telling him this. The snowball effect after this call had destroyed so many people.

“Angel, listen, one broke a few weeks ago. The second time we were together. It was an old one, but that was all I had on me. I had known I shouldn’t trust it, but I got carried away. I’m sorry—only because I know you’re upset and scared right now. But I’m not sorry because you’re pregnant.” He paused. “Because I get to keep you forever. We will move in together. I want this. I want you.” His voice took on a pleased tone. As if he was actually excited about the situation.

“Crosby, we can’t do that. I don’t make enough money, and neither do you,” I said into the phone, talking quietly, not wanting anyone in the house to hear me.

He laughed softly. “Let me worry about the money. I will take care of everything. I swear it. Trust me.”

“I could get another job,” I told him. “If this is really what you want to do, I’ll start looking this next week.”

“Angel, stop. I’m serious. When I said I love you, that meant I will take care of you.” He sounded fierce, and I had wanted to believe that so much. Although I had been sure it would take me having a second job.

“As sweet as that is, what you make, working at those stables, can’t pay for all we are going to need. Babies are expensive, and I don’t even have health insurance. The cost is not all going to be on you,” I replied.

Another chuckle from him. “All right, let’s just agree to talk about this later. I’ll be there tonight when you get off work. Everything is going to be fine. I just need to hold you. No talk about money tonight.”

The sound of a door closing was in the background, and I knew it was Carina coming to get her phone.

“I have to go,” I whispered. “See you tonight.”

Then, the phone call ended.

One lone tear rolled down my cheek, and I wiped it away, keeping my head down. I didn’t want to look at any of them. They had heard all our conversations already. Why they’d wanted to replay that one, I didn’t know. It was the one that hurt the most. The reason he was dead.

“What do you want?” Carina’s voice filled the room as another call played.

My other hand fisted in my lap as I dropped the one at my chest to cover it tightly.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Ares’s voice snarled.

“Not nearly as much as what’s wrong with you,” she replied flippantly.

“She hasn’t done shit to you! Slicing her fucking tire so she had to walk in the goddamn heat to work was sadistic,” Ares shouted.

“Watching her with your little spy cam while she’s naked in the bathroom is disgusting, and I am pretty sure it’s, like, illegal or something,” Carina snapped at him.

“Why do you care about that?! You twisted bitch. Jesus, is it not enough that Nick ignores her? Or that Mom treats her like a fucking slave while you don’t do shit around the house? Goddamn, Carina, I want to strangle you sometimes.”

She let out a twinkling laugh I knew so well. “It’s fun to watch her try so hard. It gives me entertainment. Always so perfect, so helpful, so nice. It’s pathetic and annoying. If she only knew her brother was beating his dick to her tits and ass while she was so freaking prudish around the house.”

A hand flew to my mouth to cover the cry that I couldn’t hold back.

“It’s called modesty, you little slut,” he replied.

“Whatever,” she said. “Is there a point to this call other than to scold me for making your favorite sister’s life hard?”

I felt dirty. Knowing he’d watched me like that and what she’d said he did. My skin crawled.

“Tell Mom to call me. She’s not answering, and I need her to sign the lease on the house I found for y’all in Alabama.”

Carina made an excited squeal. “When are we moving?”

“It’s not available until mid-August. But that gives me time to get things set up.”

“Yes, heaven forbid you don’t have the incest casa ready to go for Little Miss Prudish to move into with you. Still don’t know how you will talk her into that one though. She’s still dating that guy. Borrowing my phone more and more to talk to him.”

“I have it under control,” he bit out. “Tell Mom to call me.”

The room went silent as the call ended.

“Please, no more,” I begged as my voice cracked with the horror suffocating me.

Keeping my eyes closed, I focused on my breathing. In and out. In and out. In and out.

“As difficult as that was to hear, it was a truth you needed to know. Telling you wasn’t going to be effective enough. Not when it’s family that you trusted.”

I heard him lay the iPad back on the desk. At least he wasn’t forcing me to listen to more. He had gotten his point across. I understood.

For the sake of my baby, I couldn’t have a connection to my family. Maybe, one day, when the boys were grown, it would be okay. I could know them then, but right now, I didn’t trust them.

Carina … I hadn’t realized how she felt about me. What had I done to make her dislike me so much? Was I really that annoying? That it caused her to do things like slashing my bike tire? How many things that I’d thought were bad luck had actually been Carina?

“Ares’s father was a man named Dusty Height. He died during his third stint in prison. His record shows that he couldn’t keep his dick out of preteen girls. When your stepmother found out she was pregnant with Ares, she went to the man who had gotten her pregnant to find he had been arrested for molesting two little girls in his apartment complex. She then met Nick Talley, who was looking for a mother for his infant daughter. They were married two weeks later. Ares was twelve months younger than you. Not sixteen.”

I cringed. I never wanted to hear his name again. I wished Linc would stop talking about him.

“Please. No more,” I pleaded, lifting my head to look at him. “I understand. You don’t have to tell me any more. My family”—I swallowed hard—“wasn’t what I thought they were. I don’t want them in my baby’s life. If that is what you are trying to make me see, I got it. I can’t listen to more of this.”

Linc nodded once, then shifted his eyes to Fender.

Fender stood up then and turned to look down at me. The glint in his eyes sent a shiver of unease down my spine.

“You gave my wife a reason to live again. She’s slowly coming back to me every day. And the child you’re carrying did that. But understand that you are the reason my son is dead. Nothing can change that for me. It’s not up to me to decide if you stay here or leave. If it wasn’t for Grissele, I would have fought harder for you to be sent away. You’re being handed a life you would never have had without Crosby. Don’t make the fight that Bane and Linc put up to keep you here in vain. The pain that your existence and that child’s existence will continue to cause not just me, but also the Rice family is a sacrifice that is being made for you. Be worth it,” he finished, then walked out of the room without another word.

I jumped slightly as the door slammed behind him.

I knew my being here wasn’t welcomed by everyone, but hearing it had caused it to sink in hard. To understand what it was costing others.

Home was a place that others took for granted. Living under the same roof with people who loved you and wanted you there was a gift. Security and peace from knowing you had somewhere that you didn’t have to fight to be worthy of… there was not one day in my life I had experienced it, and I was starting to wonder if I ever would.

“Gannon Rice and Fender are from the two oldest families in this branch. As far as rank goes, they hold power. Fender wanted to speak to you, and that was why I allowed him in here. It was out of respect for his rank within the family since I hadn’t stood behind his decision for you to be placed elsewhere and informed him that you would be staying here. Losing his son took a piece of him, and he’s not seeing it clearly. I think, in time, he will.”

He stood up. “But if you choose to walk away, run, or contact your family, I won’t stand behind you any longer.”

My throat felt raw, so I only nodded. I was here because of the baby. No one really wanted me, but they wanted my son. At least he would never know what it felt like to exist in a world where there wasn’t a soul who you were special to. Who you belonged to. Who simply wanted you.