Robbery In Progress

*Emma*

Meg made it out of surgery about an hour after Kelsey walked out yesterday. The doctors said that it would be best for her to sleep though, to help recover. So that's why I'm not seeing her until just now. One full day later. One day filled with worrying for my sister, conflicting emotions about Kelsey, and not working.

Drew called me last night telling me not to come in and that I should be focusing on my family right now. I thought about arguing, because working would help me keep my mind off of all this waiting and worrying and conflicting emotions. But then I remembered that right now working meant working with Kelsey and then I thought: "Better not."

"Hey," my voice soft as I entered her room and came to stand next to her bed. "How ya feelin'?"

"You mean since I was shot? Well I feel like a foreign object or two were in my body recently. Not too happy about that. But I will live and soon it'll be like it never happened."

"You're trying to make me feel better. But it isn't working. You could have died yesterday. Your husband could have been a widower, your children motherless. All because of me." I forced myself to choke back tears as I spoke, unwilling to let them come to light. Because I knew if they did there would be no closing those flood gates again.

"No," she shook her head and grabbed my hand. "You are absolutely not taking responsibility for what happened yesterday. That was not your fault, in any way at all. In fact, you saved me. If you hadn't been there, he was going to shoot me and no one would have made it in time." She shrugged, "although the other two robbers seem decent enough, maybe they would have. I don't know. But what I do know is that you were there for me, you saved me. Got it?"

I collapsed into the chair next to her bed, my chest aching with emotion and trauma I refused to let myself feel. "Why does everyone around me keep getting hurt?"

A sob I'm no longer able to contain comes bursting out of me. Tears I held back for every person I've lost that I refused to let myself process before came tumbling out of me. Meg ran her hand through my hair as a wept, attempting to console

me.

"I'm so sorry, Em. I'm sorry we didn't realize you hadn't grieved." Her hand still gliding through my hair, I quieted some. My focus intent on listening even as the tears continued spilling out of me. "This abandonment you feel for everyone, the way you hide yourself behind this facade. We should have seen it, we could have saved you so much pain if we had."

"I don't see what you mean," I replied shakily.

"It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel lost and angry. It's okay to feel all those things. But when you sit in it, when you refuse to process it, like you clearly have, grief takes you over. You make decisions about your life to avoid the bad stuff, but avoiding the bad stuff means avoiding the good stuff too."

I shook my head, pulled back and sat up. "No, I went to a counselor after Sam died. I've accepted that she died."

"The five stages of grief don't always happen in order, you know. You've accepted that you've lost people--not just Sam. But you haven't dealt with that because you're fixating on the loss." I didn't say anything to that at first because was she right? Had I really never come to peace with the people I've lost? "Tell me, who's your best friend?"

"You are," my reply instant.

"Em, I am six years older than you. Why don't you have a best friend that's your age? Why don't you have best friends that are at the same point in their life that you are in yours?"

"I have friends that are my age. I just wouldn't say any of them are my best friend."

"Okay, why not? Why are you holding them at arms length? Why are you holding Kelsey at arms length? Do you not like your other friends? Do you not like Kelsey?"

"Of course I like them. They're good people. I'm just a busy person. I would rather spend my time at work or with you and the kids."

"I love how much you love my kids. You're a great aunt. When you engage with them I see the real you, and I love that. But you should be the real you all the time. You shouldn't be afraid to feel happy, or sad for that matter."

I sniffled as I allowed her words to sink in. She kind of made my life sound dull and boring with all this talk. But I guess, now that I'm thinking about it, she isn't all that wrong. Even with Sam, I was constantly choosing the safe side -- and oh my god, I broke up with Kelsey because I was living on the safe side.

Wait, were we really even dating? Can I call it breaking up in this context? God she had made my life so much more confusing.

"I was so afraid of losing someone else, that I made myself lose someone else." I was really saying this to myself more than anything but Meg responded anyway.

"Seems a little counterproductive if you ask me."

"Very helpful commentary from the peanut gallery, sis. Thank you for that." I rolled my eyes even as I smiled. "Okay, I definitely have to fix that but first I think I need an aspirin for this crying headache that I just gave myself. And also, I still have a robber to catch."

Suddenly remembering that my sister is in the hospital recovering from a gunshot wound I turn back to her, conflict clear on my face. She pointed to the door, "Eric and the kids are going to be here any minute. And if you are still standing here. when that happens I'll kick your ass. I'm injured but I still think I could take you."

That made me laugh, "in your dreams. Alright, I'm leaving but I will definitely be back later."

"When you do, Kelsey better be with you," she shot out as I walked out the door.