Knowing Jude

"Wake up." Shake. "Get up."

I press the pillow against my face and wish the voice away. What sort of human being disturbs perfect morning slumber? "It's nine already, Jo."

"What?" I yell and fly up, shoving the pillow away. It's not that late, is it?

Jude is standing beside the bed, regarding me with an amused smile. He looks put together like he woke up a long time ago.

"Shit." I hop out of bed. "I need to go home."

The last of that sentence finds me at the bathroom door. I get in quickly, do a quick clean up and put on my dress. When I get back the room, Jude is sitting on the bed. He quirks his brow. "What's the hurry for?"

I give him a look of disbelief. "I don't want to get into any trouble!"

"Your parents already left for work by now, right?"

I nod.

"And no one knows you're here, so it's no big deal. If they minded they would have called you already."

I hurry to his bedside cabin and take a look at my phone. Nothing.

"See? I guess they're actually happy you got to get out of that house," Jude says.

I sigh and drop onto the bed, face first. I peek at him. "How early did you wake up?"

"About two hours ago."

"It's Saturday."

He laughs. "Yes, and I'm a football player who needs to keep fit."

My eyes instinctively go over his body. He's in a pair of sweatpants and a sleeveless T-shirt. "Working out?" "Running."

"Oh."

"Yeah." He rises to his feet and reaches for my hand. "Come on, I made breakfast."

"You can cook?"

"Ma Bea made sure of it," he replies, grinning.

"Ma Bea? Who's she to you by the way?"

"She was my mother's best friend. I stayed with her a lot for most of my childhood after what happened." He shrugs. "Since my father didn't want to see my face, you know." I squeeze his hand. "I'm sorry."

He shrugs again. "She's a lot of fun, and she spoiled me. I didn't deserve it but you don't really get a choice with her. Enough of that." He pulls me towards the door. "Time to eat."

I get more apprehensive with every step leading downstairs. I know that very soon the topic from last night will come up and I'm not very eager about it. Maybe he has forgotten about it? Fat chance.

The aroma hits my senses way before we get to the kitchen, and my mouth waters instantly. Suddenly I'm starving. Jude leads the way into the kitchen, only letting go of my hand then. I stare in amazement at the island. Half of it is covered with food.

"Are you having guests over or something?"

"Yes, you."

I make an inventory of the edibles. Bacon. Eggs. Pancakes. Fruits. Sausages.

"Tea? Coffee?" Jude asks from the other side of the counter.

I take a seat at the island. "Coffee please, thanks."

"Milk? Cream and sugar?"

"Cream and sugar yes, milk no, please."

I watch him as he fixes our beverages. A fluttery feeling that feels like longing invades my chest. I really want to be with him.

I love spending time with him. I love talking to him. Whenever he's close I feel like everything is fine. Whenever he's not I miss him so bad. Am I addicted to him?

I look away just in time as he turns around, two steaming mugs in his hands. He comes forward and places one mug in front of me, then takes a seat right beside me. He takes a plate and piles three pancakes on it, drowns them in syrup, then pushes it towards me.

"Dig in," he instructs.

"What the..." I break into a laugh. "Are you trying to kill me with food?"

He's piling his own plate now. "No. That wouldn't work in my favour." "No?"

"I still haven't seduced you, remember?" he responds, giving me a sideways glance.

He definitely hasn't forgotten.

I grab a fork and pretend to concentrate on my pancakes. "You could try in the afterlife," I try to sound nonchalant. There's nothing nonchalant about the rush in my ears.

"We might not end up in the same place."

At the rate I'm going, we might.

"Isn't Cole awake yet?"

"Totally not a morning person. And he's hung-over."

I recall him going to bed with a bottle of alcohol. "Oh."

"You know, I wish he would get over his sorry ass and accept his feelings for Nicole."

"Why won't he?"

Jude shrugs. "He has his issues, I guess."

"Has he, like, been hurt before?"

Jude chortles. "Cole? Hurt? No, sweetheart. He is the one who does all the hurting."

'What about you?' I want to ask.

I of course hold my tongue and take a sip of my coffee.

"I'm liking this very much by the way," I say, forking up a piece of pancake.

"You can get it every morning of your life if you want."

"Aw, are you proposing?" I fake-gasp, placing a palm over my chest.

He turns to me, a woeful look on his face. "Yes, my love. I couldn't spend another day without you by my side."

He sounds like an actor on stage playing a lovesick role in some play and I crack up.

"Ever tried theatre?" I ask once I'm done laughing.

"Why? Am I any good?"

"You're perfect."

"Theatre is for nerds like you."

"Blah blah says the boy who came top of the class."

"A nerd is socially inept and boring. Does that sound like me?"

"Does that sound like someone who would get up on stage and captivate hundreds of people?"

"Okay, maybe not boring. Perhaps nerd is the wrong word for it."

"What classifies as boring, anyway? Is it a crime to have different interests?"

"It is not," he responds in a subdued manner.

I laugh. "You sound like a husband trying hard not to get a rise out of his wife."

He wiggles his brow. "Oh, I would love to get a rise out of you."

I sigh. "I know that already."

He smiles.

A couple of minutes later I feel his leg bump against mine under the island.

"So."

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"So?" I echo, trying to keep the tremble from my voice. My entire skin is tingling and trembling from the physical contact.

"Did you sleep on it?"

My stomach gets hot all of a sudden. I fork up a sausage and take a bite. Might not get me out of the situation, but will definitely buy me time. I can feel his eyes on me as I take my sweet time chewing. In the peripheral, I see him push his plate and mug away and concentrate fully on me. Couldn't he have waited until we're at least done with breakfast?

I swallow. "Yes." I take a sip of my coffee.

"And?"

I place my mug back on the surface, hands wrapped around it. I stare at the dark liquid. "I don't want to be just your cuddle buddy, Jude."

I curse in my head immediately, regretting my wording. Just? I want more? I hope he ignores that. Even if I did, with Jude, it's a bad idea. "Cuddle buddy?" he echoes.

I shrug. "Whatever you call it."

He shifts in his seat. "Are you not attracted to me?"

I inhale deeply. "I am."

"And I to you. So why are you saying no?"

I stall for a couple of heartbeats, then put it out there. "Because you're not attracted to only me, Jude. I'm one in many."

"That's not true."

My eyes shift heavenward. "Oh please."

"Why don't you believe it?"

"Remember last night you confessed to sleeping with someone even after you started showing interest in me?"

"That was just for distraction, Jo!"

"I can't distract you like that."

"You don't get it. You're enough distraction."

"What's that even supposed to mean?"

He leans forward and jerks my seat sideways to face him. His fervent blues burn into my eyes.

"When I talk to you, when I spend time with you, it's like all the other stuff falls away and I'm somewhere I actually want to be." His right hand lifts to caress my cheek. "You'd be my only cuddle buddy."

I feel like my air supply has been cut off and I can't breathe. When did it get this bad?

I tear my eyes from his because that's the only way I can think.

"I can't."

"Why?"

I'm not about to tell him that I like him but don't want to risk falling harder, so I shrug.

His hand drops to hold mine. "Give me a reason."

I shake my head, staring at the ceiling.

"I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, I swear," he promises.

"I know," I whisper. But not all hurting is intentional...

"Do you?" he asks, his voice tinged with disbelief as if he can't believe I trust him.

I nod.

"What are you afraid of, then?"

Falling in love with you? Getting attached? Losing you in the end?

I'm not ready to lose anyone else so soon. Or ever. Especially not someone I feel I can be myself with, just like I was with Angie.

"Why can't it be more than physical for you?" I ask, staring hard at the floor.

There, I said it. Well, half of it.

"It is!" he protests. "I like spending time with you, okay? You understand me and you know so much about me now and I'm comfortable with you."

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I rest my elbow on the island and drop my face into my palm, conflicted. There's an army of voices in my head chanting for me to go with it, and there's a tiny voice in the background warning me of impending doom if I so much as take a step in that direction.

"Look at me," Jude says, both hands cupping my face. "Come on, Jo. Do you trust me?"

Yes, but...

"Jo? Look at me."

I lift my eyes to his face and swallow hard at our proximity. The symphony of a furious heartbeat and subdued breathing take over me. His blue eyes are intense and so fucking hypnotic.

"I want you. I really do."

My heart skips a beat then proceeds with its attempt to burst out of my chest.

He leans in and I don't move away. My insides seem to have bottomed out on me, and I'm feeling extremely light-headed.

Have I already fallen?

His thumbs caress my cheeks as he gets closer, closing the distance between our lips with every passing second. His eyes don't stray from mine. He's giving me the chance to back away but those two blue depths are holding me in place, begging me to give him this chance.

His lips brush against mine and my eyes slide shut.

I'm officially a goner.

We don't get to the kiss part however because a rough voice breaks through the kitchen, and it's not Jude's.

"Do not do it on my island, for heaven's fucking sake!"

I jerk away from Jude and turn to watch Cole walk into the kitchen. He looks like hell, and half asleep. He's extremely pale in the face, with his dark hair resembling a bird's nest. Jude makes a sound of exasperation.

Cole doesn't really pay us attention, just beelines for the cabinets. "Where are the fucking..." He trails off, emerging with a pill bottle.

"Just two, okay?" Jude mutters to him from beside me.

"Shut up momma," Cole snaps, and I watch him drop several pills into his hand. He goes to fill a glass with water and Jude rises from his seat.

I watch in apprehension as he goes around the counter and grabs Cole's hand. "Give the extras, Cole."

Cole shoves him. "Leave me alone."

"I'm not fucking around bro."

"Two never work," Cole complains.

"You wouldn't have to worry about that if you actually listened to me in the first place, would you?"

Cole's face crowds in rage. "Oh fuck off, Walker. Don't you dare act all mighty with me."

Jude's jaw clenches. "Give me the fucking pills Cole."

Cole glares at him, so hard I feel the temperature in the room drop. They stare off for a long tense moment, then Cole draws his hand back, flinging the pills across the room. Some hit the wall, some drop into the uneaten breakfast. He shoves Jude into the island. "Fuck you!" Then he storms out of the kitchen, rage rolling off him in waves.

Jude stalks after him. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" he demands.

"It's none of your fucking business!"

A door slams and I rise to my feet, heading towards the commotion.

"Are you fucking insane? You can't drive in that condition, Cole!" Jude yells.

I stand by the front door and watch as Cole tries to jerk the door of his truck open in vain. Jude gets to him.

"You don't even have your keys, do you."

A feeling of relief sweeps through me. I hadn't realised until now how much terrified I am that Cole will drive off in his current state. I'm praying hard that they don't get into a fight. How would I stop it?

Cole kicks his truck. Jude goes nearer and Cole shoves him. Jude insists however and wraps his arms around him, holding his arms down and hugging him. Cole stops fighting after a few seconds and returns the embrace, hiding his face in Jude's neck. I can make out his shoulders shaking even from here.

Holy...

I draw back into the house, feeling like an intruder, like I shouldn't have seen that.

My heart is throbbing for a lot of reasons now.

Cole is hurting. A lot.

And Jude...

Jude is the type of friend everybody needs in their life.

And I know, I won't back down from the decision I made right before Cole interrupted us.